


Forward

by neeash



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Jearmin - Freeform, M/M, Major Spoilers, Spoilers, can't even tag because don't even know what this is lol, chapter 85, kind of a vent, please don't read if you haven't caught up with the manga!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-25 02:54:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10755264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neeash/pseuds/neeash
Summary: MAJOR SPOILERS PLEASE DON'T READ UNLESS YOU'RE A MASOCHIST WHO WANTS TO BE SPOILEDtakes place in chapter 85 of the attack on titan manga, in armin's perspective.





	Forward

 Forward

 

 

Armin’s rejuvenated eyes followed the movements of his dearest, brave best friends and higher-ups of the remaining Survey Corps as they set off to the long awaited destination; the Jaeger’s basement. The dream of reaching Shiganshina once again seemed like something unattainable with consideration to all that’s been going on and _now_ , they were finally here, able to breathe in the air that the blonde boy grew up in. But with the whimsical handful of soldiers given the privilege to be here right now, it didn’t appear to be much of a glorified victory for Armin.                  

He pushed away the warmth of his blankets and looked over a few feet away where Connie sat by Sasha, dotingly tending to her injuries and complaints. The two of them really got on, Armin thought fondly, refusing to think of how void Connie must have felt when he witnessed the grave state Sasha was in. It must have hurt. Outsiders assumed it was a feeling a member of the Survey Corps would have grown accustomed to and therefore wouldn’t actually be breaking down on the inside and wouldn’t be going mentally insane because the baring question continues to haunt them; _why am I still alive?_

Death, constant death was a funny thing for Armin. First it was his parents, whose faces are now just a blur of blonde hair and blotchy smiles because he was too young to understand why he was unable to see them again. Then it was beloved grandfather who gifted him with that ratty, straw hat he always wore because his grandfather was old and the jaded sunlight within the walls gave him a headache. Armin thought that was strange and never wore the hat he kept tucked in his green cloak because he was young, influential, greedy and thirsty for knowledge and craved the blinding sunlight outside of the walls. When Eren died, Armin was so confused, numb and angry, so fucking angry because yet again he couldn’t do a single thing. He was always the one watching, the one crying and feeling sorry for himself since everyone he cared about was just leaving him like a chain of dominos.

So at that moment when he wittingly entered the burning wrath of Bertholdt, Armin came to terms with the realisation that this time around, he was going to be the one to die. He wasn’t going to be a bystander any longer, the one crying behind the line. This time he took the heroic role of an active opponent and fought, dying like a martyr or suicidal livestock, however people perceived it. Armin had accepted that by doing this he was going to die and by doing this, the Survey Corps- _humanity_ could have another chance to win.

Though it all went wrong. Armin didn’t die. Commander Erwin died instead and Armin ate the writhing Bertholdt who cried out to Annie and Reiner to help him, ultimately stealing the ability of the Colossal Titan as his own. He glanced down at his perfect, alabaster skin, rid of the little cuts and scars he accumulated throughout his life- as well the temporary burnt mass of flesh from moments ago. Armin smelt like a new-born baby, his skin soft and golden hair glossy as if freshly conditioned.

                  How can he be so clean and uninjured whilst everyone else are on their last legs? Armin’s theories and profound, intricate thinking didn’t contemplate the fact that he would still be alive, relatively safe. Armin had decided that he was going to die, so why did his heart continue to beat?

“Armin.”

The voice was like the delicate tip of the sharpest blade penetrating Armin in the most beguiling, inviting way. It was so cold, a sudden slap in the face and yet it made him feel so overbearingly warm and prickly with familiarity.

“Jean.”

Jean nodded, his eyes a lot kinder than Armin expected after the realisation of the dire situation the nine of them were in. Armin liked the gentle crinkle at the corners, unable to look away from them. “Here, drink.”

Gratefully, Armin drank the water in the fabric canister shifting so Jean would sit a little closer to him on the flat blanket. Their thighs lightly touched one another as the pair watched over from the top of the Shiganshina wall to the bustling bushes and tall trees.

“Your arm…” Armin began, his words lingering at the back of his throat because why was he clean of the blood and sweat, given the chance to start again when everyone else was forced to wear their injuries as burdens? The burden being the memory of the inability to save your fellow comrades and you promised to save them but in an apocalyptic world like this, no one kept their promises.

Bringing the abandoned blanket over their outstretched legs with his good arm, Jean shuffled closer to Armin, the scent of blood in the air. “Yeah… hurts like a bitch. Mikasa wouldn’t make it as a practitioner in the next life that’s for sure.”

“She’s more of the fighter type than the healer,” Armin gave a light laugh, the high-pitched beats flying through the air. “Let me take a look at it.”

During the unwrapping and fixing of bandages, their eyes met each other in short glances that spoke so many silent, deafening words. Armin’s lithe white fingers brushed the bruised, calloused skin of Jean in the sweetest of caresses that brimmed with affection and warmth. Perhaps even with a hint of reluctance.

“I thought you were dead.”

Armin stopped, his heart thumping cacophony in his ears as he listened.

“You- When I saw you, I couldn’t even recognise you… Armin I couldn’t believe it was you. Then when Corporal Levi was going to give the serum to Commander Erwin, I thought you were going to die and- and I just couldn’t do anything.

“He told us to leave and I couldn’t bring myself to watch it. Armin, you have no fucking clue how happy I felt when I realised Corporal Levi chose you. Armin for such a smart guy, you were a real reckless, idiotic bastard.”

Jean suddenly knocked his forehead against Armin’s. “Promise me, Armin. Swear that you won’t leave me. Promise me that you won’t die first.”

It was such a selfish request- in so many ways but Armin understood it. Not just because he was a smart human, but because he _is human_ and knew that humans are very selfish, needy creatures that don’t bode well with loneliness.

Armin knocked his head back against Jean’s, probably with a little too much vigour but he understood. “I promise. Then Jean, promise me that you won’t die first.”

“Yeah, I promise.”

It was in fact a promise, a mutual agreement that Armin and Jean swore to each other on that day where it appeared that mankind actually had a pretty hopeful chance at finding out exactly what the fuck was going on. But the both of them had to remember that promises between humans could be broken as easily as they were made.

Armin knew that but he still tried to keep his promise.

**Author's Note:**

> this is very strange, i know lol. seems unfinished but i guess it's kinda meant to be like that.
> 
> sorry but jearmin is my otp so kind of HAD to do this- i remember how much i cried at chapter 82-83-84 it was just tooooooo much, love you armin!! <3
> 
> anyway i'm drunk probs jokes


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